You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
