Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
