you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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