I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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