He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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