when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
