I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
