Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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