then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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