I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
