I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
