We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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