In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
