I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
