i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
