Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
