She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
