Sponge bath it is.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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