The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
