I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Come see our sink grown plant.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
