I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
