I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
