We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
