remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
