So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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