I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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