When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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