My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
