I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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