If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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