all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
