Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
