Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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