fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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