I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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