alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
