I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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