just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
