I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
