so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
