Please, let me fuck your mom
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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