I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize