Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
