I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
