I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
