Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
