trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
