When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
