No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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