My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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