i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
