Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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