Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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