If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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