sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
