It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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