Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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