ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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